PREP DAY

From 5:00 am to 1:00 pm, we packed and traveled by plane and car from San Francisco, CA to Salt Lake City, UT.  It's amazing how much Salt Lake City looks like Las Vegas...of course minus the strip joints, casinos, bars, and Starbucks.  From Salt Lake City we drove 45 minutes through the beautiful countryside of Utah to Park City where our hotel and race site were located.  At 1:00 pm, we hopped on the team bus and headed over to Soldier Hollow which is located 53 miles from downtown Salt Lake City.  We were supposed to spend the afternoon getting acclimated to the race site and pick up our registration packets.

Now a brief word about my team, Team WHATTHAHELLAMIDOIN, #24. I have two great teammates: Nick the Quick and Mountain Terry (aka Big T).  Nick the Quick is a great teammate and a lighter, quicker version of me. We make good teammates because we have about the same ability and endurance.  Big T is an amazing athlete (you don't get a nick name like Mountain Terry without being a monster on the hills).   He's not only a great mountain biker with aspirations to circumnavigate the globe, but he's also our TNT Team Coach!  Big T was a late change to our team so before this bus ride, we really didn't have a chance to talk about team strategy.  As you can imagine, with an expert like him, the conversation went something like this:

Big T: "So have you and Nick talked about how you guys want to do this?"
Clueless Me: "Uh, sure...yeah, I mean, we discussed the kayak and figured I'd steer and he'd stroke..."
Big T: "What about towing?"
Clueless Me: "Towing...yeah, uh, no...what about towing?"
Big T: "You guys have a tow system?"
Clueless Me: "No..not really..we're about the same level so we figured we'd be ok, right?"
Big T: "Sure...that sounds good.....so what tires are you running with?"
Clueless Me: "Uh...tires? Uh...the ones the bike comes with??"
Big T: "OK, you sound like you're ready."

From that point onward, I knew this was going to be better than AllState. We were in good hands with Big T.

We arrived at the race site in the early afternoon.  This was our opportunity to get a "Matrix-like" download on race rules, tips, strategy, and lay of the land.  Of course no one really paid much attention.  We were too busy grabbing our swag (aka free stuff), and entering raffles for prizes.  In fact, I won a brand new pair of Nike trail shoes and another TNT teammate won a new bike!  Each of my team members won a new set of tires for having the second best team name in the race! Go figure!?

After we were done with preparations, we all headed back to the hotel for our pasta party (aka Fat City Day).  This was our final opportunity to "carbo-load" with pasta, salad, bread and cakes...in other words we pigged out until we couldn't move.  During dinner we heard some inspirational words from the Team In Training Honorees and from Team Red Bull who made a guest appearance.  Team Red Bull is one of the elite professional Adventure Race teams who compete for cash and sponsorships.  Although they were very nice and clearly supportive, I just couldn't help but wonder why anyone would drink a Red Bull for an endurance race?  I guess it gives you wings!

2:00 pm - 2:30 pm: Kayak Demo
2:30 pm - 3:00 pm: Special Test Demo
3:30 pm - 4:00 pm: Mountain Bike Demo
3:00 pm - 4:00 pm: Kayak Clinic
5:00 pm - 5:30 pm: Mandatory Pre-Race Meeting

RACE DAY

At 5:45 am we loaded onto the bus and headed to the race site.  The temperature was in the chilly 50s and many of us were still tired from the lack of sleep.  However, once the excitement of the race day began to set it, everyone quickly unloaded their bikes from the truck, attached their pedals and placed their equipment in the transition area next to the Balance Bar Tent.  The transition area is the central location where you switch gear between events.  We were granted 75 minutes to access the transition area and set up our bikes.  Now, the volume of equipment you see in this area varies widely.  There are competitors (like me) who place only a few energy bars/drinks next to their bikes in the transition area.   Then there are those who you would think were preparing for a nuclear winter.   I saw enough food in some areas to feed a small nation and enough clothes to dress you for the entire week.  I even saw a pack of playing cards!  How anyone would have time to play cards between events is beyond me!

Now Where Is That Nitro Button?

Don't We Look Like We're Gonna Kick Butt?

Transition Area (aka Keg Stop)

Team In Training (Before The Race)

TRAIL RUN: 4 miles

After setting all of our equipment in the transition area, we went for a quick 1 mile run around the complex so that we'd be warmed up at the start of the race.   I did my standard stretching routine, paying close attention to my calves which always seem to seize up on long mountain bike rides or trail runs.  The race officials decided to have all of groups start at the same time - most likely due to the fact that the race was only operating at one-third capacity.  So there we were, all waiting in anticipation for the horn and once it sounded, we were off!  All my training came to this moment and I burst out of the gate with my backpack and my trusty trail shoes.  Before the race, I told Nick we should hightail it up the hill because it was likely that Big T was probably going to blast past us every step of the way. 

After I flew up the mountain in the first mile, Big T was no where to be found.  So we stopped and eventually he appeared.  He was suffering from a combination of altitude sickness, Friday night partying and some food that didn't agree with him.  So we throttled back and completed the 4 mile hill run at a leisurely pace.   We figured we could make up time on the kayak and mountain bike, both skills Big T has mastered.  The trail took us back to the transition area and our first Special Test.

Stretch Those Hammies and That Tongue!

Ready To Rock!   Did Someone Hear The Gun?

Who Let The Dawgs Out?

Fresh Krispy Kreme Doughnuts At The Hilltop!

Beautiful Rolling Hills - Great For Torturing Runners

After 4 Miles, We're Still Smiling!

After a brisk 4 mile trail run, we were handed a booklet with instructions for each Special Test.  Our first test involved crawling through a mud pit.  So we each got on our bellies and pulled ourselves through the pit using just our arms and rope.  Before the race, Big T had noticed that the pit was slightly uneven so we chose the lane where the most water had settled.  This made our slide through the pit a piece of cake.  I shudder to think what might have happened if we chose the dry lane...the ladies might have gotten more than their money's worth!

Where Are The Female Mud Wrestlers?

Wait, It Says We Need To Make Brownies?

So Much For My Dry Cleaning Bill

I Knew We Were Too Close To The Chocolate Mixer

SPECIAL TEST: Kayak Portage

After the Mud Crawl, we ran another mile down to the next Special Test, Kayak Portage.  It was here that we climbed through an antique train and were instructed to carry our kayaks to the lake (another mile from the portage site).  We had to carry two kayaks with 3 oars, 3 seats, and 3 life jackets across railroad tracks, marshes and a rocky cliff to the edge of the lake.   

As you can see from the picture taken during the demo on Prep Day, the kayaks were inflatable (lovingly called inflatable pigs).  So once we arrived at the lake, we were given one pump to inflate all the equipment.  Since I wasn't going to paddle (more on that in the next section), I did all the pumping.  After pumping like crazy with a faulty pump, we exchanged pumps and inflated everything, thus completing the Special Test!

KAYAK: 1 Mile

Once we got the kayaks in the water we initiated our special kayak strategy.  Now, ordinarily, you are given two kayaks between 3 people.   Generally, the strongest paddler takes a single kayak for himself/herself.   The remaining kayak contains the best stroker (sits up front) and best steerer (sits in rear).  I was designated the steerer because in general I have no problem steering kayaks.  However, given that (i) I couldn't steer them in practice on Prep Day, (ii) we had no time to remedy my deficiency, and (iii) these weren't really kayaks but more like inflatable life rafts, we had to devise a way to make sure we wouldn't just paddle in circles and lose valuable time.  As such, I had devised a strategy whereby I would simply use my oar as a rudder and Nick would paddle like a lead member of Hawaii Five-O. 

Our planned worked perfectly and we maintained a perfectly straight line, keeping the buoys to our left all the way...that is, until the last 50 yards.   Because he thought we were on shallow ground, Nick got out of the kayak and tried to walk the rest of the way.  Once he stepped out, he realized he didn't have any footing and had to get back into the boat.  After several anxious minutes of struggling to get him back in the kayak and going around in circles, we managed to make it back to shore.  We deflated the kayaks, wrapped up the gear and trudged a mile back to the portage site.

You Sure This Kayak Isn't Designed Just For Going In Circles?

Now We're Going Straight!

I brought my own inflatable shower!

Where Do You Want This Beer We Found At The Bottom of the Lake?

SPECIAL TEST: Railroad Tie Pull

We trekked a mile back to the transition area where our next Special Test was waiting: The Railroad Tie Pull.  In this test, two teammates have to pull the other who is sitting on a railroad tie about 20 feet around a marker.  Lucky for us the instructors found the heaviest railroad ties in the world so it was especially challenging!  Since Nick was the lightest, he sat on the end of the tie while Big T and I hauled him around the marker.  It was a lot harder than it seemed...probably because we did it wrong.  After the race we learned the best way to have completed this test was for one teammate to sit on the edge of the tie while the others lifted it up at an angle off the ground.  This would have minimized the friction and made the pull a little easier.  Well, too bad for my hernia I learned about the strategy after the fact!

Hulk Pull!

Railroad Tie Porta Potty

SPECIAL TEST: Teeter Totter

Our performance on this Special Test was abysmal!   Take 3 big, uncoordinated large men, put them on a teeter totter, and ask them to balance themselves long enough to move a bucket from one end of the plank to the other.   Then sit back, try not to laugh, and watch them attempt it over a dozen times!   That pretty much summed up our attempts at this test.  We took so long another team passed us.  We finally did it but I dare say it was luck.  Every time one of us moved, the teeter would totter!!! 

Professional Teeter Tottering

Buffoon Teeter Tottering

MOUNTAIN BIKE: 11 miles

After getting our teeter tottered, we jumped onto our bikes and headed for the hills.  We were doing quite well until a few things happened along the way.   First, we stopped to help another team that had a busted chain.  They were really in dire straits and we felt sorry for them so we stopped to help them out.  Surprisingly, while we were helping them, a cameraman came out of the bushes and started filming the idle banter between Nick and myself.  Apparently he worked for OLN (Outdoor Lifestyle Network) and was filming footage for our race for a show to be aired in October 2003!  So perhaps our good deeds will end up on TV!

The next incident was a perfect example of a jinx.  Before the race we were told that there were going to be areas on the mountain bike trail that would have "triple down arrow" markers.  These areas are supposed to be dangerous and we are encouraged to slow down or stop.  Sure enough, Big T and I were on a constant lookout for the arrows and when we finally saw one our conversation went like this:

Big T: "Look up ahead, there's a triple down arrow marker..."
Clueless Me: "Uh, I guess that means the trail gets steeper from here?"
Big T: "Yeah, but it doesn't look so bad"
Clueless Me: "I know, this looks pretty easy, I don't know what the big --"

At that point, even before the words could come out of my mouth, I suddenly felt myself flying across my handlebars and down the trail.  After what seemed like an eternity, I sat up and checked to make sure everything was still intact.   Blood was dripping down my knee and elbows and my knew warmer was torn to shreds.   I sat there for a few minutes more due to shock than injury.  I couldn't believe I just took a spill.  The shock also caused both my calves to lock up for about 10 seconds...but that quickly came to pass.  After a quick once over, I picked my bike up and headed off after Nick and Big T.

The rest of the trail was diabolically designed.  After the race I spoke with the race director and he admitted he designed the course to be mentally exhausting.  He accomplished this by having us constantly appear to return to the transition area only to have us turn around and head back up a steep hill.  Mountain biking is such a mental sport. If you know the plateaus, it helps you maximize your effort with the expectation of downhill - the "free stuff" as I affectionately call it.   But after a while, you stop caring about the hills.  You just want it to be over because the mental trick of telling yourself  "if I just finish this last hill, I know I'll be done!" starts to get really old.

Big T was a huge help throughout this segment of the race.  As an expert mountain biker and coach, he helped us on technique and encouraged us to keep pushing.  On the last mile of the climb, both Nick and I had severe leg cramps.  Big T instructed Nick to walk backwards which seemed to help his calves.  And he helped alleviate my leg cramp by suggesting I increase the height of my seat and pedal with my toes upwards.  Too bad he didn't volunteer to tow both of us to the transition area!

Are We There Yet?

What Do You Mean "Now Go Back Up The Hill And Do It Again!??"

SPECIAL TEST: Biathlon

This was by far the coolest Special Test in the race and was no doubt an original designed specifically for this course.  We were given 15 rounds to shoot 3 targets.  Each team member had to shoot one target and if we used up our bullets, we'd be penalized and have to wait until another team completed the Special Test ahead of us.  Thus, it was critical that we nail each shot. 

I took the initiative and volunteered to take the first shot.  Now mind you, I've spent a lot of time playing PlayStation games like Hitman and Metal Gear...and boy did all that training pay off! I realized that given all the running and biking we just completed, my heart rate would be high and would interfere with my aim.  In addition, I was still breathing hard making it even more difficult for me to steady my aim.  So I lay on my stomach, counted my heart beats and aimed for the target through the scope.  Once I was ready, I held my breath, timed my shot between beats and squeezed the trigger.  Boom!   I missed by 1/10th of an inch.  So I recomposed myself and did it again.   This time I hit paydirt! Bullseye!!

Nick was next and took almost a full 3 minutes to scope the target.   He finally nailed it on his second shot.  Big T, knowing that he had eleven shots to take out his single target, started shooting like a postal worker gone mad and nailed his on the 5th shot.  Then we set off for the final Special Test!

Are You Sure We Can't Just Shoot Each Other?

Hey, Look, Blood!

Can You Stop My Heart So My Hand Will Stop Shaking?

Do I Have Something in My Mustache?

SPECIAL TEST: The Wall

No true race or challenge would be complete without one final swift kick in the #$@!  For Adventure Racers, that betrayal is embodied in the "Wall".   The Wall is a 12 foot nightmare that every team has to scale using only each other and some rope and is almost always at the end of the race.  Although normally I'd be OK with scaling it, after almost 20 miles of endurance racing and half a dozen physical tests I was spent.  Before the race our team planned to hoist the lightest person first (Nick), then the heaviest (Big T), then the sucker (me).  Using this sequence, Nick could be lifted by Big T and me and over the Wall without needing the rope.   Once he reached the top, we could throw him the rope.  Big T could then use the rope and me to get over the Wall.  Finally, it would be up to me to lift myself to within grabbing distance of the two before I fell flat on my a$$.  

In practice, everything worked exactly as we planned except for my part.   After lifting Big T's 230 pound frame over my head I was completely spent (again).   When it was my turn, I could hardly pull myself up.  I tried to climb up the wall but was unsuccessful two times.  I had so much mud and dust on my shoes that I couldn't get any traction.  If I couldn't get over the Wall, we'd be disqualified.  So at the urging of my teammates, I mustered everything I had left and pulled myself up like Spider-Man.   When I got to the top, I knew it was a simple climb down the other side to the Finish Line!

The Booby Prize

You Sure This Isn't A Dwarf Tossing Special Test?

Why Couldn't I Get "Little T" On My Team?

Spider-Dave

THE FINISH

At exactly 4:07:52 after the start, Team WHATTHAHELLAMIDOIN #24 crossed the finish line!  Of the 48 teams that completed, we finished #29 in the middle of the pack despite stopping to help others and encountering our own set of shenanigans.  So what's next?  Another race of course!

Finished!

Team WHATTHAHELLAMIDOIN